Republican presidential frontrunner Herman Cain attempts to tiptoe around the political third rail of whether or not the government has the right to insert its hand up your wife or girlfriend’s joy hole.

Herman Cain has experienced joy hole-related confusion before, such as his uncertainty about the geographical location of Mrs. Obama’s joy hole at the time of Barack's evacuation.

Perhaps it was all this confusion that led to Mr. Cain's current exhaustion.

 

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Unelectable non-witch Christine O’Donnell walked off the set of yet another live interview this afternoon.

O’Donnell was hoping to salvage what was left of her reputation after her disastrous interview with Piers Morgan in August, as well as her disinvitation from her Iowa Teabagathon speaking engagement.

One can only hope that O’Donnell’s career as a children’s book author proves fulfilling enough to compensate for such high-profile failures.

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Lord, the day is at hand! Celebrate (another) Rapture with the talking Michele Bachmann doll.

Perhaps Michele's normal heterosexual male husband Marcus' pray-away-the-gay clinic patients can use these dolls to point out where the gay hurts the most.
 

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In this unaired footage from CNN, former Pennsylvania Senator and 2012 presidential pipe dream Rick Santorum has a change of heart regarding the civil rights of homosexuals in the United States.

This stunning mea culpa comes on the heels of countless anti-gay comments, which earned Senator Santorum his frothy nickname.

No word yet as to the cause of Senator Santorum’s attitude shift regarding gay Americans, but it may have had something to do with this.

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By quitting a full fifteen months before her inevitable inauguration as our nation’s next president, former half-term Governor and professional famous person Sarah Palin now has more time to devote to extorting her legion of half-wit acolytes diving into the piles of money from SarahPAC’s latest fund-raising drive in her tattered twenty-seven-year-old red one-piece swimsuit that she and Todd keep in the lower drawer of their bedroom dresser for “nostalgic” purposes.

We've added subtitles to Palin's announcement for those of you who aren't fluent in politico gobbledygook.
 

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Happy National Coming Out Day, everybody!

To celebrate, we bring you Marcus Bachmann & The Barbarians.

Remember Marcus - God loves you just the way you are.
 

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The ears of NFL fans will no longer be assaulted by Hank Williams Jr. before every Monday Night Football telecast, as Williams was fired for comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News.

ESPN issued the following statement:

"While Hank Williams, Jr. is not an ESPN employee, we recognize that he is closely linked to our company through the open to Monday Night Football. We are extremely disappointed with his comments, and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight's telecast...
 

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