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President Herman Cain’s press conference has taken a decidedly surreal turn.

Sources believe that Cain may have never fully recovered from his tumultuous presidential campaign.

Or perhaps President Cain capitulated by appointing a Muslim to his administration, and now he’s not sleeping due to his concerns about the “creeping attempt” of Muslims to “gradually ease Sharia law and the Muslim faith” into the government..
 

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Republican presidential frontrunner Herman Cain attempts to tiptoe around the political third rail of whether or not the government has the right to insert its hand up your wife or girlfriend’s joy hole.

Herman Cain has experienced joy hole-related confusion before, such as his uncertainty about the geographical location of Mrs. Obama’s joy hole at the time of Barack's evacuation.

Perhaps it was all this confusion that led to Mr. Cain's current exhaustion.

 

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By quitting a full fifteen months before her inevitable inauguration as our nation’s next president, former half-term Governor and professional famous person Sarah Palin now has more time to devote to extorting her legion of half-wit acolytes diving into the piles of money from SarahPAC’s latest fund-raising drive in her tattered twenty-seven-year-old red one-piece swimsuit that she and Todd keep in the lower drawer of their bedroom dresser for “nostalgic” purposes.

We've added subtitles to Palin's announcement for those of you who aren't fluent in politico gobbledygook.
 

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Stand-up comedian, GOP presidential sign of the apocalypse, and historical fiction enthusiast gaffe-bot Michele Bachmann took to the stage at the Laugh Factory a campaign rally in Sarasota Florida, and had the crowd in stitches with the following zinger about Hurricane Irene:

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."

After the secular, satanic, liberal elite media barbarians spent the morning lambasting Bachmann’s comments, she issued the following statement...

 

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Poor Yin Yin. Just when she was finally recovering from being taken hostage by House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) during the protracted debt ceiling standoff a mere three weeks ago, she has been taken hostage yet again. This time, the hostage-taker is House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA), who won’t release the defenseless baby panda (who this time represents disaster relief for victims of Tuesday’s earthquake) until sufficient cuts have been made to the federal budget.

After the magnitude 5.8 earthquake hit his Congressional district in Virginia on Tuesday, and with Hurricane Irene bearing down on the Atlantic Seaboard, Eric Cantor insists that no federal aid will come to Virginia without corresponding federal budget offsets. In years past, Congress has provided disaster relief outside normal budget caps and without offsets.

“All of us know that the federal government is busy spending money it doesn’t have,” said Cantor, as he aimed his pistol at the trembling baby panda. “There is an appropriate federal role in incidents like this,” indicating a willingness to provide disaster relief to his constituents, but only after his demands are met...
 

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We here at Estate Five realize that our entire website is pretty much one big Op-Ed piece, but here’s one anyway. It’s in response to the Huffington Post article Why GDP Growth Has Not Provided Jobs Yet by Sageworks, Inc. CEO Brian Hamilton:


Brian Hamilton has posted another defeatist apologist propaganda piece for the conservatives. The whole rant about government regulation (“interference with their operating environment”) being responsible for unemployment is a complete diversion from the real problem of lack of demand.

The conservative tactic of blaming continued unemployment upon business’s fear of government regulations such as healthcare, taxes, and environmental laws is pure hogwash. It is a cynical tactic designed to take advantage of the fears and distress of the voters in order to dismantle the necessary and appropriate constraints on business, the appropriate generation of tax revenue necessary to maintain government, and development of social programs that benefit our citizens as a whole. This is a very familiar tactic of taking advantage of people’s greatest pain and fears to stampede them into supporting policy decisions which accrue to their individual disadvantage...
 

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The hard right just doesn’t try the way they used to. GOP Presidential candidate and torture expert Rick Santorum could barely get through his own hate speech in Iowa yesterday without a yawn.

Santorum fielded questions about gay marriage with the usual hateful ignorance that we’ve grown to know and love, but the spark just wasn’t there. He tried his best, saying that gay marriage would have a “devastating impact” on children, families and religious liberties. He also painted a terrifying vision of a dystopian future in which an elementary school student comes home and asks his or her parents what “transgender” means, but it seemed that Santorum’s heart just wasn’t in it...
 

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Ever woken up in the morning, shuffled to the bathroom, splashed cold water on your face, looked into the mirror and wondered what those incorrigible Christian Right rascals are comparing the gays to today? Of course you have.

But who has the time to watch hour after hour of the 700 Club, or develop carpal tunnel poring through countless right-wing blogs, or risk a painful paper cut skimming through the latest issue of The Watchtower? Ouch!

Well, now you don’t have to.

Estate Five has compiled a handy Homo-Comp list to help you keep abreast of the latest unspeakably horrible thing the gays have been equated to.

So the next time you and your wholesome, apple-cheeked brood are watching secular television programming in your tasteful yet modest living room, and you catch a glimpse some heartbreaking atrocity on the History Channel or see a story of a hideous aberrance on the evening news, you need not wonder whether or not what you’ve just seen is equatable to homosexuality.

It probably is. But just in case…

Gays are just like…
 

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We normally hold these stories for Fridays because the freude in schadenfreude sounds a little like Friday, but fuck it. This is too good.

Buju Banton, whose real name is Mark Myrtle, has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by the Florida District Court for conspiring to set up a drug deal in a Florida warehouse.

Buju, 37, is a Grammy-winning reggae singer who is best known for the caterwaul Boom Bye Bye, in which he calls for gay men (“Batty Boys”) to be shot in the head with an uzi and/or burned alive. It is believed that Buju Banton’s lyrical inspiration came after a trip on the New York City subway...
 

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