Defense analyst and Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Thomas Ricks spoke truth to powerful jackholery* on Fox News this morning. Said Ricks of Sen. John McCain’s recent jihad against Ambassador Susan Rice:

“I think Benghazi was generally hyped by this network especially. And now that the campaign is over, I think he is backing off a little bit. They aren’t going to stop Susan Rice from being Secretary of State.”
 

Here it is, kids!

The Mitt Romney robot supercut you probably weren’t asking for, but totally want to watch anyway.
 

Is it too late to get Jack Nicholson to moderate the last two presidential debates?
 

We're busy windsurfing with John Kerry this summer, but here's a little fun nonsense to tide you over until the conventions.

Oh, and of course Rush Limbaugh thinks the Bane/Bain coincidence is a sinister plot by those dastardly Liberals...
 

Budding Christian extremist Kirk Cameron wrote and directed a very special ™ episode of the hit 1980’s sitcom Growing Pains, which producers buried for fear of alienating Kirk’s legion of teenage fans.

Here’s a clip:
 

Poor Little Ricky. Everyone keeps picking on him.  Wait....cancel that.
 

Maury Povich takes a look at GOP Presidential hopeful, traditional marriage defender and polyamory enthusiast Newt Gingrich’s wild personal life.
 

Former Governor Rick Parody Perry visits Chuck Woolery on Love Connection....and he seems kind of wasted.
 

We’ve been quite Rick Perry-heavy these days. We’re just trying to wring the last few drops out of poor lil’ Ricky before his inevitable defeat in the Iowa caucus, after which he’ll be put out to pasture (or whatever other maddeningly folksy idiom Texans have for such a situation…tips the slop bucket? ...puts up the milking stool?)...
 

Herman Cain gets a little help answering a gotcha question.
 
Meanwhile, the heir to Sarah Palin's vacant martyr throne is making Anita Hill jokes.

Herman has also hired a defamation lawyer to try and mitigate the damage of the ongoing Cainwreck. Cain's fancy new lawyer said, "anyone should think twice" before making public accusations against his client.
 

Brett Ratner, director of the Rush Hour trilogy as well as the groundbreaking Jessica Simpson music video These Boots Were Made For Walking, was recently stripped of his Oscar 2012 producing duties for using the word “fag” in an interview.

A text message thread from Ratner has recently surfaced in which he breaks the bad news.

UPDATE: Eddie Murphy has now backed out as Oscar host after his friend Brett Ratner was canned.

This talking teddy bear sounds an awful lot like a certain homophobic GOP presidential candidate.

Perhaps if Rick Santorum donned a giant teddy bear outfit, it would help his dismal poll numbers*, and he wouldn’t have to take unseemly swipes at his fellow Republican nominees.

At the very least, it would make him seem slightly more cuddly than the Rick Santorum who shouted down a Penn State student to make a spurious point about gay rights back in August.

President Herman Cain’s press conference has taken a decidedly surreal turn.

Sources believe that Cain may have never fully recovered from his tumultuous presidential campaign.

Or perhaps President Cain capitulated by appointing a Muslim to his administration, and now he’s not sleeping due to his concerns about the “creeping attempt” of Muslims to “gradually ease Sharia law and the Muslim faith” into the government..
 

Republican presidential frontrunner Herman Cain attempts to tiptoe around the political third rail of whether or not the government has the right to insert its hand up your wife or girlfriend’s joy hole.

Herman Cain has experienced joy hole-related confusion before, such as his uncertainty about the geographical location of Mrs. Obama’s joy hole at the time of Barack's evacuation.

Perhaps it was all this confusion that led to Mr. Cain's current exhaustion.

 

Unelectable non-witch Christine O’Donnell walked off the set of yet another live interview this afternoon.

O’Donnell was hoping to salvage what was left of her reputation after her disastrous interview with Piers Morgan in August, as well as her disinvitation from her Iowa Teabagathon speaking engagement.

One can only hope that O’Donnell’s career as a children’s book author proves fulfilling enough to compensate for such high-profile failures.

Lord, the day is at hand! Celebrate (another) Rapture with the talking Michele Bachmann doll.

Perhaps Michele's normal heterosexual male husband Marcus' pray-away-the-gay clinic patients can use these dolls to point out where the gay hurts the most.
 

In this unaired footage from CNN, former Pennsylvania Senator and 2012 presidential pipe dream Rick Santorum has a change of heart regarding the civil rights of homosexuals in the United States.

This stunning mea culpa comes on the heels of countless anti-gay comments, which earned Senator Santorum his frothy nickname.

No word yet as to the cause of Senator Santorum’s attitude shift regarding gay Americans, but it may have had something to do with this.

By quitting a full fifteen months before her inevitable inauguration as our nation’s next president, former half-term Governor and professional famous person Sarah Palin now has more time to devote to extorting her legion of half-wit acolytes diving into the piles of money from SarahPAC’s latest fund-raising drive in her tattered twenty-seven-year-old red one-piece swimsuit that she and Todd keep in the lower drawer of their bedroom dresser for “nostalgic” purposes.

We've added subtitles to Palin's announcement for those of you who aren't fluent in politico gobbledygook.
 

Happy National Coming Out Day, everybody!

To celebrate, we bring you Marcus Bachmann & The Barbarians.

Remember Marcus - God loves you just the way you are.
 

The ears of NFL fans will no longer be assaulted by Hank Williams Jr. before every Monday Night Football telecast, as Williams was fired for comparing Obama to Hitler on Fox News.

ESPN issued the following statement:

"While Hank Williams, Jr. is not an ESPN employee, we recognize that he is closely linked to our company through the open to Monday Night Football. We are extremely disappointed with his comments, and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight's telecast...
 

Chicken Not-so-little is at it again. Former and future fear fomenter Glenn Beck is mad as hell at Levi Strauss & Co, and he’s not going to take it anymore. Beck has promised a personal boycott of the clothing company for their new ad, which Beck claims is guilty of “glorifying revolution,” comparing the scenes to "European socialists marching" and "a Palestinian kind of march."

“It’s hard to believe that a company associated with America and working class values would use global revolutions and progressivism to sell their products, but that’s exactly what Levis is doing in their new commercials. Unfortunately, they aren’t even trying to disguise their efforts to commit to the progressive cause.”

Meanwhile, even further down the ladder of cultural relevancy, Levi Johnston has written a tell-all book entitled Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, in which the almost Vice President’s almost son-in-law Levi dishes on the Palin family...
 

On a recent campaign stop, Massachusetts Senatorial candidate Elizabeth Warren spoke on America’s debt crisis and fair taxation without hyperbole, distortion or fear mongering. She didn’t refer to former President Bush as a myopic, self-aggrandizing reverse Robin Hood. She didn’t call anti-tax demi-god Grover Norquist a greedy, soulless ass hat. Good for her. No need to add to the coarsening of our political discourse.

"There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody. You built a factory out there - good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn't have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory. Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific or a great idea - God Bless! Keep a big hunk of it. But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along...
 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne appeared on The View this morning and voiced their full, unqualified support of gay marriage.

Lynne Cheney spoke of their lesbian daughter Mary, her partner Heather and their two children, saying, “Whatever Mary and Heather decide to do is up to Mary and Heather.”

When asked if he agreed with his wife’s stance on gay marriage, Dick replied, “I think freedom means freedom for everybody. And you ought to have the right to make whatever choice you want to make with respect to your own personal situation...

What does Taiwan’s Next Media Animation have in store for you with their new Michele Bachmann animated video?

Bachmann getting pelted with spitballs by Sarah Palin, Ron Paul and Mitt Romney? You bet.

Bachmann rubbing an Aladdin-style teapot and Reagan appearing? Of course.

Bachmann signing an anti-gay pledge while her “effeminate” pray-the-gay-away therapist husband Marcus gets it on with another dude? Uh-huh...
 

Because it’s kind of a slow news day, we bring you a video of former presidential candidate and BDSM expert Alan Keyes, and running-out-of-pejoratives Victoria Jackson performing Somewhere Over the Rainbow on a Birther cruise.

Victoria Jackson accompanied Keyes on the piano, but unfortunately did not lend her Chipmunks-being-hacked-to-death-by-a-chainsaw singing voice to the performance, presumably because she still had the “sickening” gay agenda shoved down her throat...

 

WallBuilders founder and self-taught kind-of-historian David Barton, and a puppet bearing a striking resemblance to televangelist Kenneth Copeland sat in the day room of their in-patient psychiatric treatment facility and babbled incoherently about how “demonic principalities” are controlling our government, and how theses principalities are literally hovering over the U.S. Capitol, causing lawmakers “to think really goofy,” and delaying the reception of prayers by “twenty-one days.”

No word yet as to the nature of Barton and Copeland’s “spiritual battle,” nor what time the orderlies will be coming through the day room with their mid-afternoon snack trays...

 

Joe Walsh (R-IL), a Tea Party-backed congressman from Illinois, will be playing hooky from President Obama’s big jobs speech before a joint session of congress on September 8th.

Walsh, who famously said that Obama “pushed that magical button: a black man who was articulate, liberal, the whole white guilt, all of that,” will not be privy to said articulateness, as he will be in Illinois on the night of the speech to host a small-business forum.

“I don’t see the point of being a prop for another of the president’s speeches asking for more failed stimulus spending and more subsidies for his pet projects,” said Walsh of his decision.

By “pet projects,” Walsh was most likely not referring to his former employer, Jobs For Youth, a Chicago-based nonprofit organization that helps young men and women from low-income homes prepare for, find, and keep jobs.

And by “subsidies,” Walsh was clearly not referring the $1,554,264 in federal aid government grants and contracts that Jobs For Youth received in 2010...
 

Greedo shoots first, Han Solo steps on an ambulatory Jabba the Hutt’s tail, Jar Jar Binks, Hayden Christiansen, and now this.

Star Wars corpse defiler George Lucas confirmed today that the new Blu-Ray version of Return of the Jedi set for release on September 16th will feature a brand new line of dialogue.

In the climactic scene from 1983's Return of the Jedi, when Darth Vader hurls the evil Emperor to his demise on the Death Star, Vader will now shout “Noooooo!” (In all previous versions of “Jedi,” Vader has committed this crucial deed in silence.)

In related news...
 

Translucent-skinned sort-of Governor Sarah Palin has maybe possibly you don’t own me cancelled her highly publicized speech in Iowa this Saturday. The speech, which was meant to be the centerpiece of the Tea Party for America circle jerk rally, is now “on hold.”

Palin’s team blamed “logistical issues” for the cancellation, although the historically challenged community college graduate has still left the door open to the possibility of a speech.

This is seen as simply the latest chapter in Palin’s cat and mouse game with the lamestream media, and has further fueled speculation about the Mama Grizzly’s intentions to run for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination.

UPDATE:

 

Here is another installment of the viral video phenomenon From the Desk of Donald Trump (an astonishing 271 views as of this writing)!

In today’s chapter, the temper tantrum prone E-list celebrity babysitter gives his review of Dick Cheney’s new book In My Time: A Personal and Political Memoir, the release of which will have "heads across Washington exploding," according to the former Vice President.

In the video, the wildly popular former GOP presidential candidate Trump calls Cheney a liar because Cheney uses the phrase “as I remember it” in the book when writing about the Iraq war.

Trump goes on to call Cheney “very, very angry and nasty,” saying, “I didn’t like Cheney when he was a Vice President, I don’t like him now, and I don’t like people that rat out everybody like he’s doing in the book...

Unelectable Tea Party favorite person Christine O’Donnell has been disinvited from speaking at the big Tea Party hoedown in Iowa this weekend. The non-pop-up book author was scheduled to speak shortly before translucent-skinned, partial-term Governor Sarah Palin this Saturday in Indianola, Iowa.

“We decided not to have her speak. We felt it was in the best interest of the movement,” said Tea Party for America founder Charlie Gruschow.

Hopefully O’Donnell’s book tour will buoy her spirits after this embarrassing and highly publicized snub.

UPDATE: